What have I learnt from ‘murder mysteries’

I love to read books and am partial toward the genre of fantasy and murder mysteries. What is common between these two? Both kinds are fantastic dealing with magical and supposedly unreal things. After all in how many cases a limited number of people gathered under one roof all having a motive to kill the person who ultimately gets killed. There is always this awesome detective whose mind works like magic and she/he can magically solve any kind of twisted murder mystery. I will deal with fantasy some other time now will deal with murder mystery.

I am obsessed about murder mysteries. I love to read them, watch them and talk about them. The more murder a story has the better it is for me. My eyebrows arch (actually I would love to single eyebrow arch in Amanda style from ugly betty but sadly can’t) and I silently scoff at books having only one murder. So u r giving me a murderer who can murder only once, hah what a wuss! I also don’t like all these accidental or hot blood murders. I like my murder to be well planned and cold. How I became this blood thirsty? I have no idea. May be some shrink will say I saw a fish butchered when I went to market with my father or something to that affect.

Pointers to help you not being murdered

I am not saying I have read all the available murder mysteries or I have seen them all. In fact I hope not because then there won’t be any more left to read or watch. Still I have read and seen much to have a fair amount of idea. I can guide u to save your life or to recognize the murderer if you are living in a murder mystery. What? you want a guidance for real life? What do I know about real life murders, after all the only real life murder I know about is that of a fish! If you are a fish I can only tell you to avoid being murdered avoid being end up in the fish market. If you are not a fish then sorry I can’t help you.

1. First and foremost, never ever keep a paper cutter or a stiletto or a dagger of oriental design on your table, you will definitely be murdered with it.
2. In real life good habits, punctuality, orderliness may take you a long way but in murder mysteries exactly these qualities will get you killed. The murderer knows what time you will be where and where u keep what. For instance say everyday in on which you always keep your oriental style dagger; and everyone is instructed not to disturb then. Boy I can say you r just a sitting duck just a time bomb ticking away to be killed any time or as soon as you can find a suitable murderer. What? Your family has 5 people crammed in a two bed room apartment? You are definitely not living in a classic murder mystery, where people live in big isolated houses and sorry mate I can’t help you there.
3. Never attend a house party nor stay in a hotel which is in some isolated area like on an island or a snowy mountain. With limited number of suspects, these are ideal backdrops for murder mysteries.
4. There should not be practical jokes nor any games related to murder because these harmless leisurely acts generally end up in real murder!
5. The unlikeliest person is always the murderer. The probability of a person being a murderer directly proportional to the impossibility of his being the murderer. There is every chance that the officer investing the murder is the murderer. (spoiler alert) Reference: Agatha christie’s Hercule Poirot’s Christmas.
6. After a murder is committed in one of these house parties or isolated hotels, and then someone asks you to meet at some lonely spot at midnight for sleuthing or for giving some information, never meet that person even if she is your mother. After all, your mother is one of the unlikeliest persons to be the murderer, hence there is every chance she is the one.
7. If you find something to be odd or you have a plan to trap the murderer then never confide it in one person, your confidant/confidante is positively the murderer who will kill you at the first opportunity. To avoid being killed if you are living in a murder mystery, then always tell everything to multiple numbers of persons.
8. After the murder, if someone else has to tell you something, ask the person to cut the chase, and come directly to the point. Because in murder mysteries this person generally tries to tell you something but then never get to tell you due to various reasons
• She (yeah in most cases it’s a ‘she’) calls you up but you are out. If calls you in cell then bad connection.
• She never gets any time alone with you
• She first said that’s odd or something to that effect and then when you ask her what’s odd she will not answer you definitely because she would think it is not significant

You coerced her to tell you and other people immediately what’s the matter unless of course if you are the murderer! If she does not tell the discrepancy she found to multiplte number of people then she is the next murder victim.

Now some pointers to save yourself from serial killers.

9. The serial killers are extremely patient. They can patiently wait till you commit one small mistake. So one small slip like keeping door ajar for two minutes and boom, you are gone. Why should he pursue you so long just for killing? Well may be you remind him about his nanny who would not let him take more than a couple of candies on one day.
10. The serial killers are very knowledgeable about religion, astrology, astronomy etc. as we have learned from innumerable American books, movies and TV series like Seven, DaVinci Code etc. So anyone you know obsessed about the above things you just stay away from him.

In case you are thinking, it’s so sexist of me to refer the murderer as ‘him’ always let me clarify I think women are also equally capable to commit murder. It looked very funny when I saw he/she and him/her throuout!

Pointers to murderers for not being caught

If you are a real life murderer then I think you are doing a great job without my help. However, if you are a murderer in a murder mystery the following points will definitely help you.

1. There is always a detective or a consultant whatever you call him like Great Sherlock Holms, Hercule Poirot, Father Brown, Shawn Spencer of Psych, Monk etc. etc. These guys generally have 100% track record however they look and sound like buffoon. Unfailingly every time they solve the crime still the law enforcement personals don’t take them seriously and make fun of them (God knows why). However, you don’t go by their buffoony and be very careful of these guys.
2. The above mentioned investigators may ask you seemingly non significant and non related to crime kinds of questions but never answer those because in some long-winded way it’s your confession!
3. These experts sometimes do crime recreation and always invite all the people present at the original murder. Never ever go there because these recreations lead to capture of the killer.
4. Never talk too much even though you feel like boasting. Because the more you talk there is more chance that you will slip.
5. Never be smug after all this is a murder mystery your fall is always the end. Hence if you are murderer in a murder mystery, it’s wise if never commit a murder al all!

I hope I have made your life easier if you are living in a murder mystery and if you are not living there then hopefully this has made your life easier by giving some light moments!